Quality or Quantity: "The American Heiress" by Daisy Goodwin

"The American Heiress" had my attention when I saw that it would attract the "Downton Abbey" fan....guilty as charged so why not read it?  It was also a longer read than anything else I've read so I knew it would take me more than a week to finish it.  I tend to get a bit of teenager ADD when I read books and after page 250, it better be damn good with great character voice and plot or I won't finish the book.  Wouldn't you know it, this book got juicy at about page 225 so I was hooked until the end.

The premise of this story is one that is common to the origins of 19th Century aristocracy and birthright; women married for money, a title, a big house (manor) and prayed like crazy that they would birth a male heir so that they weren't homeless and penniless after their husbands passed away.  They didn't vote or work for a wage; they birthed, shopped and had tea with their stuffy neighbors.  If you're a Downton Abbey junkie, you know that Mary, the eldest daughter, is on the hot trail to marry a semi-decent titled man who can take over the estate so that she can continue to live the high life that she's had since birth.  This book is the same gig.  An American heiress, Cora Cash, sets out to marry a English man (cue the swoony music because he'll have an accent) because she wants to be that kind of woman: the woman who marries a man who needs her money, but has a little of his own (and a title) when she finds him so she is set in society and can keep her mother happy.

I'm not going to lie, I struggle with the facts of pre-women's rights days.  I hate reading about women who were exiled because they could only birth daughters and women who had severe eating disorders because they were condemned to a marriage that was a political alliance and not two people in love joining in matrimony to have a fulfilling life and family together.  As I read this book, I was oddly haunted by a lot of cultural expectations that still exist among women of the modern age.  Yes, I know that you can totally go against the grain and do it your own way, but there are a lot of cultural standards that are still set and expected to be adhered to by religions and other sets of standards.  I, myself, having been raised in the Mormon Church, have felt insanely ridiculous pressure to marry for the resume and not the human.  I have friends who have been raised in other religious sects who have felt much of the same pressure.  To that, I say "what the hell?"  This is 2015, people.  Life is short, it should be sweet and ENJOYED.  We claim that we are on our way to equality, but are we?  At what point will it be OK to say, "I'm exercising my right to be treated as an equal in a marriage by not forcing myself to marry random dude so-and-so because he asked and he seems to be a pretty OK choice and can provide me with a wedding in the church (temple) and he has a job that will pay our bills."  Holy run-on sentence, but HOLY reality of life.

After the United States Supreme Court ruled for the equality of marriage, I cheered.  I cheered because I thought, there has to be more of a mentality for equality in ALL things and if the right to marry whoever you want, male or female, is the start then hear hear...I'll toast to that!  I am a LOVER of the men, but I was so happy to see some movement for choices that served the masses.  Women (and men) all over the world live in agony and abuse and a web of lies because they are living with relationships, both marital and professional, that are completely illegal, ridiculous and/or avoidable.

As "The American Heiress" continued there was a constant looming hunch that Cora's husband, the duke, was somehow being unfaithful to her.  The social expectation (shudder) was that most men who were in politically driven marriages had a mistress on the side aka they were sleeping with the one who lit their fire while producing heirs with the one who was living in their castle and shared a surname.  Super awesome.  Cora is constantly wondering if she is doing enough to please her husband and provide him with happiness at home so that he doesn't feel the need to take a mistress, if he hasn't already.  I have to give props to the author because she had me guessing right until the end as to the correct answer.  The moving pieces from all angles were nail-biting.  As I've thought about these themes since finishing the book, I've come to these conclusions, or sealed what I already knew:

I am SO grateful I was not born a rich girl.  As much as I would love to not have a care in the financial world, I will take being poor, with substance, fidelity and true love, any day.
We have a lot of work to do to be truly equal in relationships.  We think we are liberal, but mentally we are still programmed to be submissive in some areas.  Stop that.  Embrace that you are a contributing human being to society for more than being the 9 month holding tank for humans.

No matter what, we deserve to be in relationships with someone who is QUALITY not quantity.  I bet if we could conduct an interview with Diana, the Princess of Wales, we would have all sort of facts to back this statement up.  God rest her soul because she went through so much to be hitched to the carriage of a royal.  Her consolation, as she watches from heaven, is a son who married the untitled woman he loved and has been an incredibly amazing husband and father, unlike his dad.

I hope that my musings on marriage and equality will provide a glimmer of hope and inspiration to someone out there who feels the pressure to marry for quantity over quality.  If we are believers in true destiny, whether it be that which is provided by God or karma, then HOLD OUT to the day when your Gilbert Blythe comes walking through the door to love you til the day he dies and treats you like the incredible, smart, sassy lady that you are through and through.

The moral of the story:  We deserve equality.  Lean in, stand up, speak up, don't settle and make it happen.

Until next time, my lovelies.
-R

Other Books by Daisy Goodwin

Becoming A Woman: "The Boston Girl" by Anita Diamont

Becoming a woman.  A loaded statement if there ever was one.  I sometimes think back on my childhood and how I dreamt for my own money and the ability to choose and cook my own food and what clothes I wore all the time.  Ha!  What little I knew.  Adulting is hard!  It has its perks aka no curfew on Fridays or pizza for breakfast, but overall, the trade for the opportunity to pay bills and fix my car and do my own laundry isn't worth an unsupervised all-nighter and carb overloaded brunch from time-to-time. 

Throughout my career vacation and book reading extravaganza, I've been inspired and moved by the characters I've met in each book. The most recent book that really touched me was "The Boston Girl" by Anita Diamant. The themes, tragedies and triumphs of this story brought me to tears and had me laughing just a bit, but overall it made me SO grateful to be a woman in an era when the quest for equality is present and mutual respect for women of any status is encouraged.  The women in this story lived during a time when their vote and their voice didn't matter and it wasn't easy. 

The story takes place in the early 1900's in Boston.  Boston.  I heart Boston.  I'm convinced a piece of my heart still lives in Boston.  I visited while I was in college and it is a magical city.  The history, food (Cheers! - be still my heart), waterfront view, energy and cute Harvard boys rowing on the river all the time made it basically my heaven.  I loved every minute of being there. For this small town girl, the Boston version of city life was and is one that I dream of often.  One of the best parts of Boston is the historical district.  I caught a glimpse of it when I went to Cheers! to have dinner one evening.  Big, beautiful Victorian homes that took my breath away. I would love to say that the characters in the book were residents of these types of homes, but they were not.  They were a blue-collar Jewish family that did everything they could to survive living in their sufficient and very small flat. 

Whenever I read a book I always look for themes that I can use in my own life and possibly a future blog post (nerd alert).  This book is full of themes that struck me to the core: women's rights, depression, death and mourning, religious respect and equality, family history and love.  Never ever forget the love. 

The main character of the book is a grandmother who is giving her granddaughter a personal history of her life as a young Jewish girl in a family that had its struggles and much happiness.  As I read this book I thought of my own grandmothers and what they would tell me about being a young woman in their day and age.  What did they worry about?  What mattered to them?  What boys were they kissing before they met my grandfathers?  What was their love story and how did they know they had finally met the one they were going to marry? 

There were a couple of specific quotes that I wanted to share with all of you and why they were memorable for me.  I won't tell you where they lie in the grand scheme of the book so there is still an element of surprise for the plot.

"When I look at my eighty-five-year-old face in the mirror today, I think, "You're never going to look better than you do today honey, so smile."  Whoever said a smile is the best face-lift was one smart woman." This is beautiful.  There are so so so so many days that smiling is the last thing we want to do.  How do we keep a smile on our face when we've had a major disappointment?  How do we smile through the tears when we've lost a loved one?  How do we smile when the bank account is depleted and the fridge is empty and the car needs gas?  Well, we just do. Fake it to make it.  If we really got technical and scientific, we would talk about the fact that there are muscles in our face that need stretching just as much as those everywhere else.  Stretch them, my lovelies!  Put a smile on your face and embrace the beauties and blessings of your life even amidst the storms. 

"She said she felt better talking to someone she could see, someone who cared about her.  "The time I almost died in that bathtub, what kept me going was the look on your face and Irene's and that wonderful nurse.  I could see how worried you were, not angry or disappointed.  You just didn't want me to die.  And afterward, too, you never looked at me with anything but love: no pity, no judgement.  You made it possible for me to forgive myself."  Phew.  I so wish I could tell you the story behind this, but you'll have to read the book to understand the significance of this statement.  Even typing it brought a lump to my throat. In my own life, I have been immensely blessed with so many kind, patient friends and family members who have stood in front of me and embraced me and proved to me how much they cared. In our insanely BUSY and technology-driven world, it is very easy to shoot someone a text and tell them we care, but the human-in-front-of-human interactions are SO critical.  I loved the reference to looking at someone with 'anything but love.'  That is a magical moment, no matter the relationship or its status.  The connection that one can feel when their friend, family member, lover looks at them to convey their compassion is electric. It can save the day.  It can calm the heart and soothe the soul. When was the last time you felt that electricity in your own life? Thank the person. Hug them back. Say, "I love you." 

"Women used to think we were supposed to act as if nothing had happened, as if losing a baby you wanted wasn't a big deal.  And if you did say something, people told you that you'd forget all about it when you have a healthy baby.  I wanted to punch them all in the face."  When I wrote my blog post "In My Life" I talked about some conversations I had that inspired me to write the post.  One of those was a conversation with my dear friend who has multiple angel babies waiting for her in heaven.  This week I witnessed the pain that is being felt by another friend who is facing the one year anniversary of her angel baby returning to heaven.  Women are still facing the grief and pain that surrounds bearing and losing children.  Medical advances are vast compared to 1925, but pregnancy and birth is still risky business and takes great faith.  I commend my darling friends for their great strength and faith as they face their life of saying the number of pregnancies vs. living children. 

"The Boston Girl" is a book that I will not forget for a long time.  It gave me a perspective and appreciation for becoming a woman. I am LUCKY to have a vote, a voice, an education and a career that I enjoy.  I am also LUCKY to have my health and an understanding of how I can cope on the days that aren't so easy.

The moral of the story:  Becoming a woman in 2015 hasn't changed much from 1925.  The scenery and fashion has changed, but ultimately, we still have trials and triumphs and hope for sunshine and happiness after the storm.  Keep looking life in the face with love.  Never EVER forget the love. 

Until next time, my lovelies. 

-R

Other Books by Anita Diamant

Geekery is Beautiful: "Geek Girl" by Cindy C. Bennett

A wise friend once told me, "we're all a little weird, Raylynn, and it's ok."  He was totally right and I find myself saying that out loud a lot.  My most recent read was a delightful and adorably geeky book called "Geek Girl" by Utah author Cindy C. Bennett.  My discovery of this completely adorable geeky book (did I say that already?) was in the mecca of all geekdom, Salt Lake Comic Con 2015.  Cindy is one of Sarah Boucher's fellow author comrades and she had told me about this book briefly so I had to check it out.  I could not put it down.  It was well-written, hilarious, raw and just plain sweet.

The main character of the book is a girl named Jen.  She has been bounced through the foster care system and as a result has become jaded.  She is angry at her reality and hides behind goth clothing, dark make-up and hangs out with the school's finest hooligans.  One day she meets a cute geeky boy named Trevor and has a brilliant idea that she is going to lure him to the "dark side" and rough him up a bit and win a bet with her catty goth gal pals.  It's not too long after spending time with Trevor that she falls under his spell of geekdom which is also known as being genuine, kind and passionately interested in Sci-Fi films.  The story that unfolds is so beautiful because Jen realizes that in spite of his geeky ways, Trevor is a good soul and she falls in love with his genuine heart.  As a result of spending countless hours trying to "change him" she soon notices that her own heart softens and she becomes braver and unravels some emotional messes of her own and begins a long overdue healing process.

This story line is not uncommon in real life with Ray.  I have a number of women in my close circle of friends who are geeks to the core.  I mean the whole enchilada geek 101.  I also have some friends who are married to geeks to the core.  Men who make Luke Skywalker look like a pansy.  I adore all of them and their goof ball husbands so I wanted to showcase some of their delightfully beautiful ways so that we can celebrate the ridiculous awesomeness that is geekery.  I think that you will find that geeks really do have more fun.

Before we can dive deep in to the land of my friends, I have to embarrass my sisters first.  It goes without being said that the three of us (and our ruffian brother) were raised in a thoroughly geeky home.  We HEART Star Wars and Star Trek and Super Man (Reeve and Cain) and have WAY too many Rocky movies in our stewardship.  Thus, I blow their cover first.  I won't reveal which sister it is, but if you know us, you'll probably figure it out. 

Sister #2 is married and when I asked her to share some of her quirky geekdoms, she sent me a scripted story that she and her husband had drafted.  I laughed and laughed.  I will share a small excerpt for your reading pleasure.  They crack me up.  A LOT.  She is also a geek about drinks that are blue, Rocky movies and talking in dog voice (like if her dog could talk, what would he say).  Anyway.....

MOVIE DATE NIGHT AT HOME

Husband: What kind of movie are you in the mood for?

Sister: I don't know, either a comedy or action film.

[Husband flips through Netflix, makes about 30 suggestions...]

Sister: Let's watch a documentary.

We watch a documentary.

Every. Single. Time.

Sister #3 is a beautiful Whovian.  She puts us all to SHAME with her knowledge of Doctor Who.  In spite of raising her children with Star Trek and Star Wars, our mother just can't quite grasp the doctor and daleks and flying police boxes.  Odd?  Probably?  Relevant?  Doubtful.  Sister #3 is also a fan of the hipster lifestyle and digs the dudes with beards.  She may have contracted that by osmosis from her older sister, but I'll never tell.....and neither will she.  And no we don't have a board on Pinterest dedicated to it.  No, we don't.....

In fairness to roasting my sisters, I will share my ultimate geeky move.  One of my absolute favorite movies is Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home.  We watched it a LOT when I was growing up and it made me so happy that they saved the humpback whales named George and Gracie.  When I graduated from college I was dirt poor and needed a car.  My parents were kind enough to buy my first car and it was a 1990 gray Buick Century.  It was butt ugly and barely ran, but it was mine.  It was also rusted something fierce and from day one I thought it looked like a beached whale.  So......I named her Gracie.  After the whale.  In Star Trek IV.  Gracie didn't make the move with me to Utah and I made my parents promise that they would take good care of her until she died and would give her a proper send-off.  She was a car.  The whale named Gracie was fictional.  I am a geek.  Deal with it. 

When I posed the question "what makes you feel beautiful and geeky all at the same time?" to my social media friends and fans, I received some awesome answers.  Check these out:

J: "Even though my eyes glaze over after 30 seconds of computer speak from my hubby....It's hot to hear a man talk about something more than football and hunting."

J: "Secretly wearing Wonder Woman socks on the day I have my department meeting at work (all men except me) and knowing I could totally take them in a fight"

K: "I read text books (science) when I have/had down time. I teach my girls science jokes and tell them science answers to little kid questions... I have to make my self not answer people when they are talking about why things work the way they do... I finally understand why people didn't like me when I was in hs I was such a know it all... I didn't mean it... I just didn't know how to not answer... yep I'm geek fits me."

A: "I've been known to have a very random memory which pops up with strange facts/tidbits that are completely off topic. Does that qualify as geeky?"

A: "The other day husband's old roommate came over and was taken back by how much I knew Star Wars. He was super freaked out that I got super excited too and husband just sat back smiled and said, "And yes, that's the woman I married. She's just that cool."

S: "Two words: Benedict Cumberbatch."

K: "Having my living room completely surrounded by comic books, posters and pop figures instead of grown up decor."

I received a lot more, but I had to cut them short in the interest of length of this post.  Thank you thank you to everyone who chimed in.  You are all delightfully weird and I LOVE YOU!

A couple of final points to share from the book before I wrap up.  One of the things that I found to be so incredible was the amount of love and support Trevor's friends had for each other and how they instantly LOVED Jen because Trevor loved her.  They didn't care that she looked scary on the outside because they saw her worth from the inside.  It shocked her that they would love her in spite of her scary exterior and it shocked them that she would love them even though they were the school geeks.  That's how life is, my lovelies.  If we will love people for what's on the INSIDE, we will quickly find that their outsides do NOT matter.  I read an article just this evening about a local trans-gender woman who took her own life because she felt no value in her own skin due to bullying and public shaming for her choice in sexual preference.  That is absolutely tragic.  We ALL have worth no matter our circumstances and preferences, whatever they may be.  We are all a little weird and we all struggle, but God intended it to be that way.  That makes life interesting.  I hope that you will take time to appreciate people for their quirks, imperfections and geekery because that's where the beauty lies because that's what makes us different. 

The moral of the story:  Flying your geek flag will never go out of style so wave it with pride. 

Until next time, my lovelies!

-R

Other Books by Cindy C Bennett